Archive for October, 2010

Story of my life…

It’s only two months in to the new school year, and already, I cannot wait for summer break. I’ve been thinking so much about how much I’ve changed, about how much everyone’s changed. I’m not the same person I was when I started in my junior high, yet, I’m somehow I am. My friendships have changed, and not for the best. I guess it all started when I had a falling out with my best friend in grade 7… We finally made up, but were never best friends again. Just barely acquaintences. I guess I was still part of the “group” at that time, but suddenly, I felt like an outcast. I turned to my other friend who had been best friends with my best friend’s new best friend. She and I hung out a lot. Until, she started ditching me for another girl. I was always second best, always the last resort, the poor choice. I was never chosen first, I was never told “You’re my best friend ever!” . For the most part of the year, i then hung out with my close friends in LA. They were the true cool ones, the caring and kind ones. But, then….Then, year two at GPV. Oh, joy. I tried hanging out with the popular, Late Immersion crowd, but I’d never truly be apart of it, so I wandered. I hung out with my old crowd sometimes, but mostly, I hung out in the Spirit room with our facilitator. It became like  a safe haven for me. Grade 8 changed me the most. I had started the year with nearly a straight- A average. I ended with a B-Average. The new girl, she came into my life, yet again, there to steal my best friend. Sometimes we were tight, others, I couldn’t stand to look at her. I wanted her to be MINE. I wanted her to like me best. To be my best friend. She was everything I ever wanted to be. Beautiful. Popular. Funny. But, she turned my other friends against me, and then, I was like an outcast. So i rejoined eating lunch alone in Renita’s room.
Everywhere I went outside of class, I put on a happy face. I smiled, I pretended that I was having the time of my life. I tried to be the one everyone wanted for a best friend. Confident. Outgoing… But nothing worked. I retreated into silent acceptance. Go to school, study, try my best, hang out with my friends (or try to) and pretend nothing was wrong. Now, my last year here. We’re only two months in. It seems like forever. I hate my class. Most of my old friends are there, yet, I still am an outcast. My best friend and her new best friend are also in my class, as well as a few of my LA friends.. But, i don’t belong. Everywhere I try to fit in, people seem annoyed or…. just uninterested. I’ve been, these past few weeks, just trying to survive, just trying to believe I can fit in. This guy in my class, he’s making my life hell. It’s just too complicated to explain. I’ve decided to start eating and hanging out with my true, friends, the ones who don’t care if I’m perfect or not. But.. most of them are in the other class, and I feel so alone.. We would always hang out, laugh, and have so much fun. We’d go bike riding, walking, to the park, my house, her house and everywhere in between. Oompa Loompas, Pepsi slurpees and jellystraws. My favourite memories ♥
I wish I could turn back time and try to fix what mistakes I’ve make, but I can’t, and I need to learn to deal with it!
Life’s not perfect, no matter how much I want it to be, no matter how much I wish things were a certain way.
I can’t control that some of my friends may not like me; I can’t control that maybe I’m annoying and immature. It’s how I am; nothing can change that.
But, even as I say this, I know I’m lying to myself. I do care whether I’m liked or not by my peers, and I do care that some people don’t want to be friends…
Just be positive, smile, and if you have to, just pretend that you’re happy, to make others happy. It works for me. Though no one does seem to care when I’m not, so what’s the point of trying?

So many questions, so few answers

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